It is difficult to write about certain aspects of my work with Jennie. While it has been the best thing I’ve done for my personal growth, the process has been challenging and painful in many ways. It has required that I ‘walk through the fire’ to get to the other side, to a life where joy and ease are possible. It has required facing hard truths and taking on some of my deepest fears.
Spotted Eagle dubs this process learning to dance with uncertainty. He tells us it is what we are here to learn. We are these relatively small, fragile beings. If we step back and think about it much life can seem pretty darned frightening… so we usually don’t. We put our heads down, metaphorically speaking, and construct lives that are an attempt to make us feel safe.
In my case I was a master ‘doer’. When I first spoke with Jennie I had so many irons in the fire I barely had time to breath. I didn’t have time to think beyond what was directly in front of me, I had myself so overbooked. Even the so-called fun parts felt like obligations. Trust me, this was neither fun nor pretty. I was living my life on the hamster wheel, spinning frantically.
So for me the first step was getting off that whirling wheel and learning how to stand still. I wanted off, and yet… my master ‘doer’ was pretty comfortable on that thing. When four hours a day ‘off the wheel’ was mentioned it took my breath away. My heart sang, but my head spun. While it sounded like a wonderful dream it certainly didn’t sound like a real possibility, and the very thought of it made me feel guilty. How selfish would that be? Much of what I did ‘on that wheel’ was in service to others, after all. It was good. I was sure of this! Well, I’ll get into giving service rather than sacrifice another time. That’s a story in itself.
Anyway, four hours a day was beyond imagining, and yet inside I was so drawn to the idea of it. On some level I knew she was onto something. So, my initial assignment was to set aside one hour a day. It wasn’t that I couldn’t be doing anything, but the time was to be unstructured and I needed to be by myself in order to have a chance to still my mind. This was the path to my authenticity; it turns out the need for down time is an integral part of my basic nature.
This seemed like a reasonable goal, but don’t even ask how long it took me. Thankfully I managed it in time, and more. And surprise, surprise, getting off the wheel and facing my fears has led me into a life with more joy and ease, a life with less fear. Funny about that.