Jennie Marlow, Author at Jennie Marlow

Can You Be Authentic Without Hurting Others?

January 19, 2014 By Jennie Marlow Leave a Comment

If I had a penny for all the times I’ve been asked this question, I’d be sitting on a mountain of coins.

I was rather vigorously conditioned by my mother to please anyone and everyone, never hurt a feeling, never be a problem or disappoint anyone’s expectations of me. Most of all, never ever tell the truth if the other person might take offense. This worked about as well for me as it did (and still does) for her. In other words, it didn’t work for me at all, but that didn’t stop me from trying.

As I matured, I started to ask a deeper question. “What is intrinsically wrong with allowing others to simply have their uncomfortable feelings?” This more relevant inquiry began the day I realized my world had become like a prison cell, one I entered voluntarily when I appointed myself controller of everyone else’s feelings. From the relative safety of my cell, I imposed the following rules:

No one could feel anything unpleasant because it made me uncomfortable.

No one should experience life’s ups and downs because I couldn’t handle it.

No one ought to be mad, sad, disappointed or down in any way because my emotional security felt threatened when they did.

If you think sparing others pain by sacrificing your authenticity is preferable, I’d like you to reconsider. The truth is — it’s not really about sparing them. It’s actually about you and your own unwillingness to be present with emotional discomfort.

On rare occasions, usually at major turning points in your life, you may find the survival of a relationship is honestly threatened by your authenticity. Here you will arrive at a crucial juncture. Do you cave in to keep the peace, or do you risk loss by being authentic?

There will certainly be circumstances wherein something you authentically do or say sets off a chain reaction of bad feelings in others. You might even be rebuked or ejected from the “tribe.” Or you might have to leave them to be true to yourself, to shed their drama and to spare yourself the toxic effects of their requirement that you be something you are not in order to remain included.

No matter what happens, I hope you hold fast to your truth. It’s your only real potential for a fulfilling life. Whether or not the reactions of others are extreme (or you are making them so in your own imagination), you have a choice. Grow into a person who can live your authentic life, or shrink your world into an untenably restricted space where you must become a creature of artifice in order to cope.

So, can you be authentic without hurting others? Well, the short answer is you can’t be authentic and please everyone. The more meaningful answer is this: you can’t make life pain-free, but you can make life fulfilling if you empower your authenticity and live from your truth.

Take Advantage of Being Upset

January 11, 2014 By Jennie Marlow Leave a Comment

Many years ago, I had a spiritual teacher who deliberately surrounded himself with people who annoyed and upset him. Finding it more mystifying than mystical, my curiosity finally got the better of me, and I just had to ask him, “Why are you putting yourself through this?”

He smiled a little then said, “I do it to heal my issues with that kind of behavior.”

He went on to explain that his choice was intentional. He knew he could choose only those who soothed him or admired him, or who always treated him with deference. However, his goal was learning not to take anyone’s actions personally. Instead, his intention was to witness the bad behavior of others with presence, neutrality and compassion.

“Well, that sounds very lofty,” I said, “but isn’t there a limit to what we should tolerate?”

He thought about it for a moment, then replied, “Yes, of course, but until you can truly know in your heart that their bad behavior isn’t about you, then you won’t be able to respond appropriately.”

He went on to explain: what we tend to do with behavior that triggers us is to go into our own collection of emotionally-charged issues and start projecting these onto the so-called perpetrator. We make up stories that explain the behavior, and start devising elaborate strategies to avoid a confrontation with whatever truth about ourselves we would prefer to leave unattended. Or we simply run from the discomfort of dealing with another person’s humanness.

No, I wouldn’t recommend my teacher’s approach. (Frankly, life has plenty of opportunities to learn from what triggers us!) However, I did embrace the principle that I could take advantage of being upset as a huge opportunity to work on myself. I couldn’t respond constructively until I had dealt with my own issues about the other’s behavior, and sifted out and discarded the conclusions and stories I had concocted about what was going on in that person’s mind.

This strategy may risk staying in a relationship too long or giving the other more leeway than warranted sometimes, but if it’s a relationship with someone whose closeness I value, I prefer to err on the side of caution and own my reactions and projections before taking action.

Bottom line, it really does “take two to tango,” and until you own your impact on the dynamic between you and the other person, you really do risk needlessly isolating yourself and blaming the other person for the “necessity” of your withdrawal.

I think this quote from my spirit guide, Grandfather White Elk, says it all:

“When you have unresolved issues, a teacher will come into your life to assist you in restoring to wholeness that place in your energy where you have given up your power. This teacher is an emotional trigger.”

Troubled Relationships – Can They Be Healed?

January 4, 2014 By Jennie Marlow Leave a Comment

It’s a question that lives in the minds of people who really want a relationship to work but haven’t yet found a way. They may have tried a number of approaches, hoping for a different result, only to find themselves in the ashes of their efforts, with hurt feelings and a sense of futility.

Then comes the inevitable question: “What am I doing wrong?” My response: “First, let’s look at what you’re thinking and feeling. Then we can accurately assess what you’re doing.” Interestingly enough, the breakthrough usually comes when the individual starts to see that the feeling state he winds up in is one he has had for as long as he can remember, and there is a pattern to the drama that gets acted out between him and the other person.

What is in the way of healing? The short answer is the pattern itself.

All relationships involve a dynamic between the co-relators. If the relationship is dysfunctional, their interactions will be played like a proverbial broken record. In most cases, these individuals harbor distorted perceptions of themselves and each other, behave accordingly, and then choose to act out their roles in a script they’ve been perfecting for quite a while.

What should they do?

First, one or both of them need to stop acting out and start taking responsibility. Only when they have pried their attention off each other will they be able to challenge the validity of their feeling states and start to examine the distorted perceptions they are (invariably) projecting onto each other and the relationship.

Is it necessary that both of them do this? I look at it this way. If only one person changes his position in the canoe, stops acting out the script or drops his end of the rope and sticks with these changes, then change in the dynamic is now virtually assured.

But can the relationship be healed? Well, if one person changes, healing the relationship suddenly becomes a possibility that was not there before, but there are obviously no guarantees. However, even if only one of them changes, this will improve the toxicity and dysfunction by up to 50%. This is no trivial reward for the effort, if you ask me.

To heal the relationship itself takes both parties facing their inner fiction, owning their emotional reactions and committing to the shared goal of compassion, authenticity and peace. Ironically, it’s usually one person’s courage, willingness to change and be authentic in the relationship that starts the process. Will it be you?

Ditch Those New Year’s Resolutions ̶ This Is More Effective

December 28, 2013 By Jennie Marlow Leave a Comment

Okay, I’ll just say it. Creating transformation can be a real nuisance. We’ve been conditioned to believe that a clear picture of the outcome is the main thing required to make change happen. In fact, a clear picture of the outcome can actually misguide our actions and produce results that do not satisfy our deeper desires and intentions. Here is some food for thought on what transformational change is really about, how to maintain momentum, and how to make big changes stick for good.

What is your purpose for making the change?

Purpose gives our goals meaning beyond the superficial results of this or that outcome. Purpose isn’t the goal itself. It’s the change in our experience we hope achieving the goal will produce. We want to transform something to make life better, easier and more joyful. Purpose helps us focus on the long-term benefits our investment will return to us if we go all the way through the transformation process.

What is your true motivation?

Our Stone Age brain loves the pleasure of envisioning the result, but it doesn’t easily take into account the hard work that makes the result happen. This means the brain will tend default to what it misinterprets as disappointed expectations when change takes a lot of hard work over a long period of time, without immediate rewards. On the other hand, clarity about our true motivation translates directly into the energy we need to keep going when rewards for our efforts aren’t instantaneous.

What will you do when tempted?

In her groundbreaking book, The Willpower Instinct, Stanford University brain researcher, Kelly McGonigal offers us extraordinary insight into what helps us stick with it when we’re trying to make big changes. She points out that change happens as a result of “I want” power, “I will” power and “I won’t” power, that is, deciding in advance how you will deal with inevitable temptation. It has been my experience that the power of “I want” is dramatically increased when purpose is driving our desire for change; the power of “I will” gets a lot more fuel if our motivation is conscious and authentic, rather than driven by fear or fantasy. Both of these give a firm, supportive structure to reinforce the power of “I won’t” when we need it most.

Create supportive habits

Let’s face it. Habits are a large part of what got you the undesired result you’re now trying to transform. To create a transformation and make it stick requires building a set of new foundational habits that support our purpose, strengthen our motivation and help us stay on track when we’re tempted. Creating a new habit is like exercising a muscle. Exercising willpower in small ways through new habits definitely strengthens our self-discipline, giving us increased commitment when we need it for the bigger, longer-term changes that a true transformational shift demands.

Alone for the Holidays?

December 21, 2013 By Jennie Marlow Leave a Comment

Spending the holidays alone has great potential to conjure up a lot of sadness, in spite of or even because of the cultural expectation that we’re all supposed to be joyfully connected with loved ones on that special day. If you’re alone for the holidays, and you know this tends to make you depressed and lonely, here are some things you can do to take care of yourself this year.

Give to Your Community by Volunteering

While serving meals to the homeless in a charity dining room is an option, it’s certainly not your only option. And volunteering on the exact holiday date is not your only opportunity to be of service to others. Think outside the box: volunteers are often needed in hospitals, organizations giving holiday parties for disadvantaged children, and even pet adoption centers.

If you have musical talent, consider providing entertainment for residents of assisted living centers or group homes.

You can also organize a “giving circle” at work or with friends and family. Host a drive to collect warm holiday clothing for adults, or invite your friends who are parents of young children to donate old toys and out-grown clothing items and kid gear, such as car seats, play pens and baby carriers.

Do What You Love

Create your own film festival – the best movies of the year, those slated for Oscar nominations, are usually released toward the end of the year, and most large movie theaters stay open on holiday days.

Attend a church service, especially if the church goes out of its way to celebrate with choral music or activities focused on children in the congregation.

Treat yourself! Curl up with that good book you haven’t had time to read. Find a local restaurant that is open on the holiday, and take yourself out for a holiday meal. Hint: restaurants in large hotels are open every day of the year and may even offer a special holiday meal.

If you enjoy entertaining, play host to friends or coworkers who are spending their holiday solo. Organize a pot luck supper and a gift exchange.

Be Responsible for Your Feelings

Being “lonely” and being “alone” are two very different things. Often our self-pity buttons get pressed simply because we have unrealistic expectations or because we make up that everyone else is having a great time and then make comparisons.

Keep in mind that loneliness is very often a pattern of feeling states set up early in childhood. In spite of how it may seem, feeling lonely is not necessarily the result of simply being alone. While circumstances can be triggering, where we go emotionally once we’re triggered is definitely a choice. When self-pity beckons, recognize that feeling blue is a pattern that can often be altered by taking responsibility and breaking the behavior patterns that lead to that state. Once you own that your feelings are self-generated, it’s much easier feel empowered to do something to counteract them.

Whatever you do, don’t wait until the day is upon you.

Instead, have a plan!