Jennie Marlow

Coaching for intelligent, aware people who want to live deeply fulfilling lives

A Lesson in Coexistence & Conflict Resolution…with a Bird?

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Our cabin on this mountain is rather small, so it’s our shed which houses the washer, dryer and the chest freezer. Normally, I keep the shed window shut against all manner of local rodents, but during the last heat wave, one night when a cool breeze finally came through, it seemed best to risk an incursion by mice, wood rats and voles to cool the place down.

Honestly, this window isn’t something I relish touching. It’s opaque with many seasons of unwashed grime, and there are quite a lot of cobwebs around the latch. (It’s apparently a nifty place to anchor a spider’s web.) So, when I open this window, I pay strict attention. I can’t help but inspect the area before I tackle the task of undoing the latch and scrapping the pane against the detritus that has collected in the channel in which the window is supposed to glide.

So, you can imagine my surprise when I reentered the shed at dawn the following morning, only to find that a tiny fly-catcher bird had apparently spent the night building a very exquisite little nest from bits of moss, leaves, weed straws, and shreds from a long discarded lizard skin.

And just then we startled each other, the would-be mother and I. She was about to fly into the open window, and she let out a shrill chirp when she saw me sanding there, hovering over her nest. Of course, I left the shed immediately, then watched and waited at my bedroom window, hoping she would come back and reclaim her nest, but she didn’t return.

Even so, I didn’t have the heart to close the window. The nest is, well…nestled so cozily on the sill against the casing. This little exquisiteness of the mother bird’s “mistake” was now my daily pleasure, and no less a masterpiece for having been built in the wrong place at the wrong time.

Then one morning, when I entered the shed, she was on the nest, flying out of the open window the moment I appeared. And there they were, four tiny speckled brown eggs!

My first reaction was to chart an absurdly impractical plan to never enter the shed again until her babies were fledged and out of the nest. My husband, a country boy born and bred, shook his head and said firmly, “You’re talking 14 weeks! No, she chose the spot. Now she’ll have to share the shed with us.”

It wasn’t lost on me that my first reaction was to sabotage my own peace to spare the bird discomfort. (Hmm…that sounded pretty familiar…) Frankly, it never occurred to me that she and I could work out some sort of mutual accommodation. She was a creature of Nature, and I, a blundering human, was trashing her plans for a family! (My husband will roll his eyes when he reads this.)

The bird and I have been at this for about a week now, and she is managing quite well with the daily incursions of humans. She doesn’t leave when we come into the shed, unless we need to get right next to the nest. And if she leaves, she’s back within seconds of our departure.

We’re actually coexisting pretty well, I’d say. (Okay, I admit I haven’t yet tested the robustness our détente with a rumbling load of clothes on the spin cycle yet.) And I’ve even been rethinking my original opinion that the nest was built in the wrong place at the wrong time.

Frankly, I needed this. It’s an excellent lesson that will forever inform the way I deal with conflict, especially when I am tempted to assume that it can’t be worked out or that the other can’t do what it would take.

And it’s also just so heartwarming to think that if she is as successful as she is determined, I will likely have a bird’s eye view, from the bedroom window, into the care and feeding of the hatchlings, which would be such an enormous privilege.

Hear me sigh with delight.

Question Everything You Think During a Setback

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setbackWhen a setback happens suddenly, the shock can reverberate in our thoughts and feelings for extended periods of time. The amount of time it takes to recover corresponds to the degree of loss the setback represents. Loss taps into very deep structures in the brain, and if we do not employ consciousness to navigate the emotional landscape of our loss, it can easily morph into a prolonged melodrama which we act out unconsciously.

How can you cope when your reactions to a setback are chaotic and intense?

Recognize what is happening in your brain.  The brain’s fight-or-flight response is designed to keep you from thinking straight, so don’t let it dictate your words and actions. The brain is also a story-teller who loves to embellish the tale with each telling. So, stick with the facts. Just the facts! Refrain from going into what-if scenarios of how close a call it was, or dwelling on what might have been, if only… What occurred is what happened, and nothing your Mind makes up about it is real.

Bring yourself back to the present moment. The events leading up to a big setback often play like a movie inside our heads. When you catch yourself reliving the events or trying to “rewrite the script” of what happened, bring yourself back to the present moment by breathing deeply. Notice what is happening right now: the chair in which you are sitting, whether or not it is day or night, the sounds you are hearing, etc. You cannot sense these things in any other moment than the one in which you find yourself, but also realize that, at least initially, you might have to do this exercise every few minutes until your emotions calm down.

Delay taking action. Many of us medicate our emotions through action. If we don’t take a breath and try to restore calm before we act, we can expend a lot of energy doing things that are not really constructive and which might even be counterproductive. If you need to evaluate the action you’re contemplating, ask a trusted friend who has no investment in the outcome whether or not it makes sense to take the action you want to take. On the other hand, if you are paralyzed when you know you need to act, breathe your way through it and do the best you can.

Wait out your emotional wave before making any big decisions. After a big setback, the emotional wave can have the force of a tsunami, and its power to distort your reality can be very great indeed. Wait, wait, wait and wait even longer. The dilemmas created by turbulent emotions usually resolve themselves into emotional clarity with the passage of time. Since most of the things you think when you are emotional are not altogether true, wait until your emotional wave has subsided, and don’t fall into the trap of believing that getting the decision behind you will solve anything, especially if that decision is made prematurely.

Watch for new opportunities. When we undergo a setback, opportunities emerge that didn’t exist before the setback occurred. Although we may be unable to see them right away, changing conditions often reveal choices and resources that weren’t obvious under other circumstances. Without making up a fantasy or going into denial, it’s important to have faith that we will eventually be able to change difficult things for the better with time, patience and the wisdom we always gain from meeting our challenges with willingness.

Keep in in mind that big setbacks usually represent our greatest opportunities for transformation. The key to actualizing these opportunities is simple but not easy: be willing to embrace the uncertainties that setbacks invariably magnify. Bottom line: come back to the now-moment, stay here, and wait until your clarity and calm are restored. Then, with a clear head, you can decide what, if anything, to do.

7 Ways to Unstick When You’re Stuck

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When we feel stuck, getting our energy moving can feel like a Herculean challenge. It can even feel as if we are glued to wherever we are, with no hope of a remedy. Here is some practical advice for getting our stagnant energy to start flowing again.

Do something constructive. This can be something as mundane as washing up the dishes, making your bed or clearing a pile of clutter. It can be as simple as drinking a glass of water, eating an apple or talking a walk. It can be as fundamental as taking a deep breath and bringing yourself back to the now-moment from wherever your mind has taken you.

Challenge your thinking. When we are stuck, there is typically something in our now-moment that we are resisting with all our might. It is as if we have dug in our energetic heels and refuse to budge. Usually what we resist is not the thing itself, but what we imagine about it. So, ask yourself, “What am I making up about this?” There are usually a number of ways to look at something, so do yourself a favor and think of another, more constructive way to look at what you’re convinced is true.

Expand your awareness of what is possible. When we are stagnating, we have stopped being curious about possibilities. Expand your awareness of real, tangible potentials that can be actualized with the time, energy and money you have right now. Explore the alternatives to what you’re doing right now, and take care that you don’t prejudge a possibility before you have had a chance to investigate it to learn if it is a practical, achievable and beneficial step forward. If the potential you’re investigating turns out to be too big a stretch, then scale back and look for alternatives within your reach.

Break your pattern! Feeling stuck and stagnant follows a pattern. Find the pattern in your thought process, your behavior and your choices. Target something in your pattern and do one small thing differently to change that pattern.

Identify the source of your anxiety. Stagnation is nearly always a result of anxiety about the uncertain future. So stop that nebulous, anxious thought and ask yourself, “What is the specific uncertainty that is causing me to be afraid?” Once you have identified the uncertainty, it is usually easier to simply accept its presence in your now-moment, just for the time being.

Deal with one thing at a time. If you are feeling overwhelmed it probably means you’re taking on too much at once. You may not be able move a thousand-pound pallet of boxes, but you can probably lift and carry one 25 lb. box. Divide up the task at hand, and do what you can manage right now.

Take care of yourself. Rest when you’re tired. Eat when you’re hungry. Let that after-hours phone call go to voice mail. If you’ve been sitting a long time, get up from your desk and take a walk. Avoid medicating with alcohol, drugs or food. Don’t veg in front of the television or lose yourself in cyber space. The world won’t fall apart if you stop to look at a sunset, read a chapter in a good book, or slip into a hot bath. Taking care of yourself often depends upon learning to make your self-care a priority and in balance with the needs of those close to you.

Here’s the deal. Flow is a product of movement, and it can result from very small, incremental changes in the status quo. So if you’re stuck, move your body, move your mind, move your habits, and move your behavior. Movement is what you’re after. Movement is flow!

A Case Against the Future

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Napkin-AnalysisIt’s already February, so I’m scrambling to finish my plan for 2014. I can see my way clear through May or June, but after that, it starts to feel blurry and unreal. The brilliant woman I hired to help me with planning and project management barks, “What do you want to have happen? I need to see it mapped out for the year!” Okay. I used to do this for a living. Business plans used to run through my dreams and course through my veins.

Very well. I’ll make up something and have a stab at it. I’m well aware that I’m playing a dangerous game called The Future. At least I’m wise enough to know that what I envision is not what will actually happen. But why not?

Perhaps the problem lies is the way we “dream” about our futures. Possibilities imagined are not the same as potentials which can be actualized. It’s a very hard lesson to learn, especially for those of us who are recovering from the New Age. We were taught to create a clear picture of the desired result, and if we believe in it with all our might, it will be delivered to us as a “manifestation.” The uncomfortable truth is most of us are not successful if we try to create this way.

There are times when picturing a result can be quite useful. When we are making big changes, our success depends upon being able to imagine ourselves on the other side of it, that we can do this, in spite of our anxieties and insecurities. This is a universe apart from envisioning a Technicolor fantasy about how the future will turn out.

For most of us, the trap is attribution. A good thing happens, and we want more good things, so we try to figure out how the good thing came about. Or a bad thing happens, and we want to avoid more bad things. The mind analyzes its fractionalized jigsaw puzzle of what it thinks it knows, ignoring all the gaps and uncertainties, and then forms a belief which attributes the outcome to a set of causal factors. When these causal factors are imaginary, the result of a happy or morbid fantasy, the mind has a terrible time distinguishing the facts from what it makes up and believes in.

Believing in a vision for the outcome the future will take is, quite simply, a flawed strategy. Just like any plan or goal, it does not have the flexibility that being in present time demands of us. The truth is, I should have learned this long before I did.

Looking back on it now, there was one pivotal moment when I might have had this epiphany. I was sitting in a restaurant with one of the few people I know who can just “make it happen.” Many people would have called this guy a visionary. He would have scoffed at the notion.

This fellow was all business. He educated himself about the realities, and he was always well aware of the risks of failure. He never “believed” in his vision. He was far too practical and realistic for that.

On this particular day, we were discussing his business plan, and he was scribbling the financial forecast for his company’s future on a napkin. The figures seemed to flow from his pen like water from a fountain. Finally, I had to ask. “Where did you get these figures?”

He smiled and sat back. “I pulled them right out of my ass,” he said blithely. “The venture capitalists know that you can’t predict the future. They just want to see if you’ve done your homework.”

It wasn’t until very recently that I looked back on this moment and realized that this “visionary” really knew the score. He knew his predictions for the outcome were pure fantasy, and he didn’t take his vision a bit seriously beyond knowing that his next step was getting some venture capitalist to give him the money he wanted.

He got the money. He built the business. It was nothing like he had forecast. And it was wildly successful for a time, until the dot-com boom went dot-gone bust. It clearly didn’t get in his way. He went on to form other companies, and I hear about him in the business and tech sector news from time to time. I imagine he put many more forecasts on many other napkins, and none of them turned out the way he planned.

The difference being, he knew they wouldn’t. And that is why he was able to succeed.

Ditch Those New Year’s Resolutions ̶ This Is More Effective

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Willpower Okay, I’ll just say it. Creating transformation can be a real nuisance. We’ve been conditioned to believe that a clear picture of the outcome is the main thing required to make change happen. In fact, a clear picture of the outcome can actually misguide our actions and produce results that do not satisfy our deeper desires and intentions. Here is some food for thought on what transformational change is really about, how to maintain momentum, and how to make big changes stick for good.

What is your purpose for making the change?

Purpose gives our goals meaning beyond the superficial results of this or that outcome. Purpose isn’t the goal itself. It’s the change in our experience we hope achieving the goal will produce. We want to transform something to make life better, easier and more joyful. Purpose helps us focus on the long-term benefits our investment will return to us if we go all the way through the transformation process.

What is your true motivation?

Our Stone Age brain loves the pleasure of envisioning the result, but it doesn’t easily take into account the hard work that makes the result happen. This means the brain will tend default to what it misinterprets as disappointed expectations when change takes a lot of hard work over a long period of time, without immediate rewards. On the other hand, clarity about our true motivation translates directly into the energy we need to keep going when rewards for our efforts aren’t instantaneous.

What will you do when tempted?

In her groundbreaking book, The Willpower Instinct, Stanford University brain researcher, Kelly McGonigal offers us extraordinary insight into what helps us stick with it when we’re trying to make big changes. She points out that change happens as a result of “I want” power, “I will” power and “I won’t” power, that is, deciding in advance how you will deal with inevitable temptation. It has been my experience that the power of “I want” is dramatically increased when purpose is driving our desire for change; the power of “I will” gets a lot more fuel if our motivation is conscious and authentic, rather than driven by fear or fantasy. Both of these give a firm, supportive structure to reinforce the power of “I won’t” when we need it most.

Create supportive habits

Let’s face it. Habits are a large part of what got you the undesired result you’re now trying to transform. To create a transformation and make it stick requires building a set of new foundational habits that support our purpose, strengthen our motivation and help us stay on track when we’re tempted. Creating a new habit is like exercising a muscle. Exercising willpower in small ways through new habits definitely strengthens our self-discipline, giving us increased commitment when we need it for the bigger, longer-term changes that a true transformational shift demands.