Healing Archives - Jennie Marlow

Question Everything You Think During a Setback

June 28, 2014 By Jennie Marlow Leave a Comment

When a setback happens suddenly, the shock can reverberate in our thoughts and feelings for extended periods of time. The amount of time it takes to recover corresponds to the degree of loss the setback represents. Loss taps into very deep structures in the brain, and if we do not employ consciousness to navigate the emotional landscape of our loss, it can easily morph into a prolonged melodrama which we act out unconsciously.

How can you cope when your reactions to a setback are chaotic and intense?

Recognize what is happening in your brain. The brain’s fight-or-flight response is designed to keep you from thinking straight, so don’t let it dictate your words and actions. The brain is also a story-teller who loves to embellish the tale with each telling. So, stick with the facts. Just the facts! Refrain from going into what-if scenarios of how close a call it was, or dwelling on what might have been, if only… What occurred is what happened, and nothing your Mind makes up about it is real.

Bring yourself back to the present moment. The events leading up to a big setback often play like a movie inside our heads. When you catch yourself reliving the events or trying to “rewrite the script” of what happened, bring yourself back to the present moment by breathing deeply. Notice what is happening right now: the chair in which you are sitting, whether or not it is day or night, the sounds you are hearing, etc. You cannot sense these things in any other moment than the one in which you find yourself, but also realize that, at least initially, you might have to do this exercise every few minutes until your emotions calm down.

Delay taking action. Many of us medicate our emotions through action. If we don’t take a breath and try to restore calm before we act, we can expend a lot of energy doing things that are not really constructive and which might even be counterproductive. If you need to evaluate the action you’re contemplating, ask a trusted friend who has no investment in the outcome whether or not it makes sense to take the action you want to take. On the other hand, if you are paralyzed when you know you need to act, breathe your way through it and do the best you can.

Wait out your emotional wave before making any big decisions. After a big setback, the emotional wave can have the force of a tsunami, and its power to distort your reality can be very great indeed. Wait, wait, wait and wait even longer. The dilemmas created by turbulent emotions usually resolve themselves into emotional clarity with the passage of time. Since most of the things you think when you are emotional are not altogether true, wait until your emotional wave has subsided, and don’t fall into the trap of believing that getting the decision behind you will solve anything, especially if that decision is made prematurely.

Watch for new opportunities. When we undergo a setback, opportunities emerge that didn’t exist before the setback occurred. Although we may be unable to see them right away, changing conditions often reveal choices and resources that weren’t obvious under other circumstances. Without making up a fantasy or going into denial, it’s important to have faith that we will eventually be able to change difficult things for the better with time, patience and the wisdom we always gain from meeting our challenges with willingness.

Keep in in mind that big setbacks usually represent our greatest opportunities for transformation. The key to actualizing these opportunities is simple but not easy: be willing to embrace the uncertainties that setbacks invariably magnify. Bottom line: come back to the now-moment, stay here, and wait until your clarity and calm are restored. Then, with a clear head, you can decide what, if anything, to do.

7 Ways to Unstick When You’re Stuck

May 5, 2014 By Jennie Marlow Leave a Comment

When we feel stuck, getting our energy moving can feel like a Herculean challenge. It can even feel as if we are glued to wherever we are, with no hope of a remedy. Here is some practical advice for getting our stagnant energy to start flowing again.

Do something constructive. This can be something as mundane as washing up the dishes, making your bed or clearing a pile of clutter. It can be as simple as drinking a glass of water, eating an apple or talking a walk. It can be as fundamental as taking a deep breath and bringing yourself back to the now-moment from wherever your mind has taken you.

Challenge your thinking. When we are stuck, there is typically something in our now-moment that we are resisting with all our might. It is as if we have dug in our energetic heels and refuse to budge. Usually what we resist is not the thing itself, but what we imagine about it. So, ask yourself, “What am I making up about this?” There are usually a number of ways to look at something, so do yourself a favor and think of another, more constructive way to look at what you’re convinced is true.

Expand your awareness of what is possible. When we are stagnating, we have stopped being curious about possibilities. Expand your awareness of real, tangible potentials that can be actualized with the time, energy and money you have right now. Explore the alternatives to what you’re doing right now, and take care that you don’t prejudge a possibility before you have had a chance to investigate it to learn if it is a practical, achievable and beneficial step forward. If the potential you’re investigating turns out to be too big a stretch, then scale back and look for alternatives within your reach.

Break your pattern! Feeling stuck and stagnant follows a pattern. Find the pattern in your thought process, your behavior and your choices. Target something in your pattern and do one small thing differently to change that pattern.

Identify the source of your anxiety. Stagnation is nearly always a result of anxiety about the uncertain future. So stop that nebulous, anxious thought and ask yourself, “What is the specific uncertainty that is causing me to be afraid?” Once you have identified the uncertainty, it is usually easier to simply accept its presence in your now-moment, just for the time being.

Deal with one thing at a time. If you are feeling overwhelmed it probably means you’re taking on too much at once. You may not be able move a thousand-pound pallet of boxes, but you can probably lift and carry one 25 lb. box. Divide up the task at hand, and do what you can manage right now.

Take care of yourself. Rest when you’re tired. Eat when you’re hungry. Let that after-hours phone call go to voice mail. If you’ve been sitting a long time, get up from your desk and take a walk. Avoid medicating with alcohol, drugs or food. Don’t veg in front of the television or lose yourself in cyber space. The world won’t fall apart if you stop to look at a sunset, read a chapter in a good book, or slip into a hot bath. Taking care of yourself often depends upon learning to make your self-care a priority and in balance with the needs of those close to you.

Here’s the deal. Flow is a product of movement, and it can result from very small, incremental changes in the status quo. So if you’re stuck, move your body, move your mind, move your habits, and move your behavior. Movement is what you’re after. Movement is flow!

Can You Be Authentic Without Hurting Others?

January 19, 2014 By Jennie Marlow Leave a Comment

If I had a penny for all the times I’ve been asked this question, I’d be sitting on a mountain of coins.

I was rather vigorously conditioned by my mother to please anyone and everyone, never hurt a feeling, never be a problem or disappoint anyone’s expectations of me. Most of all, never ever tell the truth if the other person might take offense. This worked about as well for me as it did (and still does) for her. In other words, it didn’t work for me at all, but that didn’t stop me from trying.

As I matured, I started to ask a deeper question. “What is intrinsically wrong with allowing others to simply have their uncomfortable feelings?” This more relevant inquiry began the day I realized my world had become like a prison cell, one I entered voluntarily when I appointed myself controller of everyone else’s feelings. From the relative safety of my cell, I imposed the following rules:

No one could feel anything unpleasant because it made me uncomfortable.

No one should experience life’s ups and downs because I couldn’t handle it.

No one ought to be mad, sad, disappointed or down in any way because my emotional security felt threatened when they did.

If you think sparing others pain by sacrificing your authenticity is preferable, I’d like you to reconsider. The truth is — it’s not really about sparing them. It’s actually about you and your own unwillingness to be present with emotional discomfort.

On rare occasions, usually at major turning points in your life, you may find the survival of a relationship is honestly threatened by your authenticity. Here you will arrive at a crucial juncture. Do you cave in to keep the peace, or do you risk loss by being authentic?

There will certainly be circumstances wherein something you authentically do or say sets off a chain reaction of bad feelings in others. You might even be rebuked or ejected from the “tribe.” Or you might have to leave them to be true to yourself, to shed their drama and to spare yourself the toxic effects of their requirement that you be something you are not in order to remain included.

No matter what happens, I hope you hold fast to your truth. It’s your only real potential for a fulfilling life. Whether or not the reactions of others are extreme (or you are making them so in your own imagination), you have a choice. Grow into a person who can live your authentic life, or shrink your world into an untenably restricted space where you must become a creature of artifice in order to cope.

So, can you be authentic without hurting others? Well, the short answer is you can’t be authentic and please everyone. The more meaningful answer is this: you can’t make life pain-free, but you can make life fulfilling if you empower your authenticity and live from your truth.

Take Advantage of Being Upset

January 11, 2014 By Jennie Marlow Leave a Comment

Many years ago, I had a spiritual teacher who deliberately surrounded himself with people who annoyed and upset him. Finding it more mystifying than mystical, my curiosity finally got the better of me, and I just had to ask him, “Why are you putting yourself through this?”

He smiled a little then said, “I do it to heal my issues with that kind of behavior.”

He went on to explain that his choice was intentional. He knew he could choose only those who soothed him or admired him, or who always treated him with deference. However, his goal was learning not to take anyone’s actions personally. Instead, his intention was to witness the bad behavior of others with presence, neutrality and compassion.

“Well, that sounds very lofty,” I said, “but isn’t there a limit to what we should tolerate?”

He thought about it for a moment, then replied, “Yes, of course, but until you can truly know in your heart that their bad behavior isn’t about you, then you won’t be able to respond appropriately.”

He went on to explain: what we tend to do with behavior that triggers us is to go into our own collection of emotionally-charged issues and start projecting these onto the so-called perpetrator. We make up stories that explain the behavior, and start devising elaborate strategies to avoid a confrontation with whatever truth about ourselves we would prefer to leave unattended. Or we simply run from the discomfort of dealing with another person’s humanness.

No, I wouldn’t recommend my teacher’s approach. (Frankly, life has plenty of opportunities to learn from what triggers us!) However, I did embrace the principle that I could take advantage of being upset as a huge opportunity to work on myself. I couldn’t respond constructively until I had dealt with my own issues about the other’s behavior, and sifted out and discarded the conclusions and stories I had concocted about what was going on in that person’s mind.

This strategy may risk staying in a relationship too long or giving the other more leeway than warranted sometimes, but if it’s a relationship with someone whose closeness I value, I prefer to err on the side of caution and own my reactions and projections before taking action.

Bottom line, it really does “take two to tango,” and until you own your impact on the dynamic between you and the other person, you really do risk needlessly isolating yourself and blaming the other person for the “necessity” of your withdrawal.

I think this quote from my spirit guide, Grandfather White Elk, says it all:

“When you have unresolved issues, a teacher will come into your life to assist you in restoring to wholeness that place in your energy where you have given up your power. This teacher is an emotional trigger.”

Troubled Relationships – Can They Be Healed?

January 4, 2014 By Jennie Marlow Leave a Comment

It’s a question that lives in the minds of people who really want a relationship to work but haven’t yet found a way. They may have tried a number of approaches, hoping for a different result, only to find themselves in the ashes of their efforts, with hurt feelings and a sense of futility.

Then comes the inevitable question: “What am I doing wrong?” My response: “First, let’s look at what you’re thinking and feeling. Then we can accurately assess what you’re doing.” Interestingly enough, the breakthrough usually comes when the individual starts to see that the feeling state he winds up in is one he has had for as long as he can remember, and there is a pattern to the drama that gets acted out between him and the other person.

What is in the way of healing? The short answer is the pattern itself.

All relationships involve a dynamic between the co-relators. If the relationship is dysfunctional, their interactions will be played like a proverbial broken record. In most cases, these individuals harbor distorted perceptions of themselves and each other, behave accordingly, and then choose to act out their roles in a script they’ve been perfecting for quite a while.

What should they do?

First, one or both of them need to stop acting out and start taking responsibility. Only when they have pried their attention off each other will they be able to challenge the validity of their feeling states and start to examine the distorted perceptions they are (invariably) projecting onto each other and the relationship.

Is it necessary that both of them do this? I look at it this way. If only one person changes his position in the canoe, stops acting out the script or drops his end of the rope and sticks with these changes, then change in the dynamic is now virtually assured.

But can the relationship be healed? Well, if one person changes, healing the relationship suddenly becomes a possibility that was not there before, but there are obviously no guarantees. However, even if only one of them changes, this will improve the toxicity and dysfunction by up to 50%. This is no trivial reward for the effort, if you ask me.

To heal the relationship itself takes both parties facing their inner fiction, owning their emotional reactions and committing to the shared goal of compassion, authenticity and peace. Ironically, it’s usually one person’s courage, willingness to change and be authentic in the relationship that starts the process. Will it be you?