Jennie Marlow

Coaching for intelligent, aware people who want to live deeply fulfilling lives

Are Your Feelings a Reliable Indicator of Your Truth?

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FeelingsLife is truly a feeling experience, and our quality of life depends utterly upon how we feel about it. But are our feeling states reliable indicators of what is objectively true? The short answer is, probably not.

We tend to fixate on the stimuli for our emotions and attribute our emotional response to the stimulus itself, but emotions are not nearly as straightforward as they might seem.  In the highs of bliss or the lows of despair, it is easy to forget that there is a lot going on in our brains that produces what we think of as our feelings.

Not all stimuli for our feelings are external or about the now-moment. If you want evidence of this, recall a bad memory and watch the impact it has on your feeling state. Now, consider how often the feeling states of past experience occur when you are interpreting new challenging experiences. If you catch yourself thinking, “I’ve felt this way for as long as I can remember,” then it’s a good bet the feeling is not coming from your current circumstances, but rather from your memories and how you interpret them. This is a big red flag that your interpretation of the present is being seen through the lens of a distortion from your past.

In every moment, your brain is influencing the way you feel and respond to what is happening. It may surprise you to learn that when you recall something, your brain actually reproduces the neurochemicals that were secreted when the memory was created. This is a revelation, especially when you consider the fact that this process can occur even when you are not actually recalling the event consciously. This means your brain can recreate the feeling state from past experience and tie it to the present circumstances, without your direct awareness.

Memory has an enormous influence on the way you respond emotionally in the now-moment. A study conducted by Cornell University concluded that our memories of events change over time. They also proved that entirely false memories, introduced by the researchers during their experiments, were believed and trusted by subjects as if they had actually happened.

So the next time someone tells you to trust your feelings, you might want to consider this advice carefully before you take action on what you feel. Whatever you do, never confuse your feelings with your truth.

6 Ideas You Should Borrow From Hostage Negotiators

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HostageI often marvel at the way a gifted hostage negotiator can diffuse a crisis and bring it to a close, even when circumstances have reached the extreme. The techniques these negotiators use can be really helpful to us too, especially when an emotional upset sends us into orbit.

Most of the time—when we’re that upset—it is as if our awareness has been taken hostage. Who is the culprit? Our Stone Age brain.

Your brain evolved in a landscape full of threats to your physical safety, so evolution kindly gave your brain very reliable mechanisms for getting you out of harm’s way. Your Stone Age brain does this by shutting down anything that would cause you to stop and consider what you are doing. This works really well when you are evading hungry lions on the ancient savannah. It’s completely counterproductive when the threat is emotional.

When you are emotionally triggered, your brain can’t distinguish between a threat to your physical survival and an emotional upset. It responds to both in precisely the same way, as a matter of life or death. This triggers the fight-or-flight response. Your brain in full blown fight-or-flight believes that fleeing or fighting (some psychologists would add “freezing” to that list) are its only options.

When your negative emotions surge, you do have recourse. That recourse is to enter into a negotiation with the freaked out part of your brain by consciously activating the part of your brain that can evaluate what is happening to you.

The first step in any hostage negotiation is to try and establish communication with the hostage-taker. When it’s the primitive part of your brain you’re talking to, this communication is established by slowing down, listening to your mind’s uproar, and observing your body’s stress response.

You see, the part of your brain that can rationally assess the situation and consider what is in your long term best interest has the power to shut down your fight-or-flight response. Just the simple act of noticing you are in fight-or-flight has a very real physiological effect that actually starts to calm you down.

The next thing a good negotiator does is to establish rapport through compassion. Self-compassion has an incredibly powerful influence on the psyche by allowing your brain an opportunity to feel emotionally safe. Once your higher awareness has established rapport with your upset primitive brain, then your self-negotiation can enter the fourth phase, which is to introduce options other than fighting, fleeing or freezing.

When the mind launches into fear or outrage, its projection of a disastrous outcome is invariably overblown. When a negotiation enters the options phase, a hostage negotiator knows exactly how to frame the distinction between what is unattainable, possible but highly unlikely, or probable if the hostage taker doesn’t shift his demands. This allows the hostage-taker to enter a more rational state and begin to see that his original goal is not in his best interest.

If the negotiator has the time to get through all of the phases, the negotiation eventually shifts to emotional equilibrium and  the hostage-taker, more objective now, is able to surrender peacefully.

When you’re negotiating with your survival brain, remember that a successful negotiation takes time and patience. Quite honestly, most of our upsets can pass quietly if we take time to process our emotions and succeed in restraining our out-of-power words and actions until we achieve calm. So, next time you find yourself in emotional orbit, stop and observe what is happening, and then take a page from the hostage negotiator’s handbook.

Take Advantage of Being Upset

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Clean_Up_Your_StuffMany years ago, I had a spiritual teacher who deliberately surrounded himself with people who annoyed and upset him. Finding it more mystifying than mystical, my curiosity finally got the better of me, and I just had to ask him, “Why are you putting yourself through this?”

He smiled a little then said, “I do it to heal my issues with that kind of behavior.”

He went on to explain that his choice was intentional. He knew he could choose only those who soothed him or admired him, or who always treated him with deference. However, his goal was learning not to take anyone’s actions personally. Instead, his intention was to witness the bad behavior of others with presence, neutrality and compassion.

“Well, that sounds very lofty,” I said, “but isn’t there a limit to what we should tolerate?”

He thought about it for a moment, then replied, “Yes, of course, but until you can truly know in your heart that their bad behavior isn’t about you, then you won’t be able to respond appropriately.”

He went on to explain: what we tend to do with behavior that triggers us is to go into our own collection of emotionally-charged issues and start projecting these onto the so-called perpetrator. We make up stories that explain the behavior, and start devising elaborate strategies to avoid a confrontation with whatever truth about ourselves we would prefer to leave unattended. Or we simply run from the discomfort of dealing with another person’s humanness.

No, I wouldn’t recommend my teacher’s approach. (Frankly, life has plenty of opportunities to learn from what triggers us!) However, I did embrace the principle that I could take advantage of being upset as a huge opportunity to work on myself. I couldn’t respond constructively until I had dealt with my own issues about the other’s behavior, and sifted out and discarded the conclusions and stories I had concocted about what was going on in that person’s mind.

This strategy may risk staying in a relationship too long or giving the other more leeway than warranted sometimes, but if it’s a relationship with someone whose closeness I value, I prefer to err on the side of caution and own my reactions and projections before taking action.

Bottom line, it really does “take two to tango,” and until you own your impact on the dynamic between you and the other person, you really do risk needlessly isolating yourself and blaming the other person for the “necessity” of your withdrawal.

I think this quote from my spirit guide, Grandfather White Elk, says it all:

“When you have unresolved issues, a teacher will come into your life to assist you in restoring to wholeness that place in your energy where you have given up your power.  This teacher is an emotional trigger.”

Troubled Relationships – Can They Be Healed?

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Hurt_FeelingsIt’s a question that lives in the minds of people who really want a relationship to work but haven’t yet found a way. They may have tried a number of approaches, hoping for a different result, only to find themselves in the ashes of their efforts, with hurt feelings and a sense of futility.

Then comes the inevitable question: “What am I doing wrong?” My response: “First, let’s look at what you’re thinking and feeling. Then we can accurately assess what you’re doing.” Interestingly enough, the breakthrough usually comes when the individual starts to see that the feeling state he winds up in is one he has had for as long as he can remember, and there is a pattern to the drama that gets acted out between him and the other person.

What is in the way of healing? The short answer is the pattern itself.

All relationships involve a dynamic between the co-relators. If the relationship is dysfunctional, their interactions will be played like a proverbial broken record. In most cases, these individuals harbor distorted perceptions of themselves and each other, behave accordingly, and then choose to act out their roles in a script they’ve been perfecting for quite a while.

What should they do?

First, one or both of them need to stop acting out and start taking responsibility. Only when they have pried their attention off each other will they be able to challenge the validity of their feeling states and start to examine the distorted perceptions they are (invariably) projecting onto each other and the relationship.

Is it necessary that both of them do this? I look at it this way. If only one person changes his position in the canoe, stops acting out the script or drops his end of the rope and sticks with these changes, then change in the dynamic is now virtually assured.

But can the relationship be healed? Well, if one person changes, healing the relationship suddenly becomes a possibility that was not there before, but there are obviously no guarantees. However, even if only one of them changes, this will improve the toxicity and dysfunction by up to 50%. This is no trivial reward for the effort, if you ask me.

To heal the relationship itself takes both parties facing their inner fiction, owning their emotional reactions and committing to the shared goal of compassion, authenticity and peace. Ironically, it’s usually one person’s courage, willingness to change and be authentic in the relationship that starts the process. Will it be you?

Ditch Those New Year’s Resolutions ̶ This Is More Effective

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Willpower Okay, I’ll just say it. Creating transformation can be a real nuisance. We’ve been conditioned to believe that a clear picture of the outcome is the main thing required to make change happen. In fact, a clear picture of the outcome can actually misguide our actions and produce results that do not satisfy our deeper desires and intentions. Here is some food for thought on what transformational change is really about, how to maintain momentum, and how to make big changes stick for good.

What is your purpose for making the change?

Purpose gives our goals meaning beyond the superficial results of this or that outcome. Purpose isn’t the goal itself. It’s the change in our experience we hope achieving the goal will produce. We want to transform something to make life better, easier and more joyful. Purpose helps us focus on the long-term benefits our investment will return to us if we go all the way through the transformation process.

What is your true motivation?

Our Stone Age brain loves the pleasure of envisioning the result, but it doesn’t easily take into account the hard work that makes the result happen. This means the brain will tend default to what it misinterprets as disappointed expectations when change takes a lot of hard work over a long period of time, without immediate rewards. On the other hand, clarity about our true motivation translates directly into the energy we need to keep going when rewards for our efforts aren’t instantaneous.

What will you do when tempted?

In her groundbreaking book, The Willpower Instinct, Stanford University brain researcher, Kelly McGonigal offers us extraordinary insight into what helps us stick with it when we’re trying to make big changes. She points out that change happens as a result of “I want” power, “I will” power and “I won’t” power, that is, deciding in advance how you will deal with inevitable temptation. It has been my experience that the power of “I want” is dramatically increased when purpose is driving our desire for change; the power of “I will” gets a lot more fuel if our motivation is conscious and authentic, rather than driven by fear or fantasy. Both of these give a firm, supportive structure to reinforce the power of “I won’t” when we need it most.

Create supportive habits

Let’s face it. Habits are a large part of what got you the undesired result you’re now trying to transform. To create a transformation and make it stick requires building a set of new foundational habits that support our purpose, strengthen our motivation and help us stay on track when we’re tempted. Creating a new habit is like exercising a muscle. Exercising willpower in small ways through new habits definitely strengthens our self-discipline, giving us increased commitment when we need it for the bigger, longer-term changes that a true transformational shift demands.