Awareness Archives - Page 3 of 3

Alone for the Holidays?

December 21, 2013 By Jennie Marlow Leave a Comment

Spending the holidays alone has great potential to conjure up a lot of sadness, in spite of or even because of the cultural expectation that we’re all supposed to be joyfully connected with loved ones on that special day. If you’re alone for the holidays, and you know this tends to make you depressed and lonely, here are some things you can do to take care of yourself this year.

Give to Your Community by Volunteering

While serving meals to the homeless in a charity dining room is an option, it’s certainly not your only option. And volunteering on the exact holiday date is not your only opportunity to be of service to others. Think outside the box: volunteers are often needed in hospitals, organizations giving holiday parties for disadvantaged children, and even pet adoption centers.

If you have musical talent, consider providing entertainment for residents of assisted living centers or group homes.

You can also organize a “giving circle” at work or with friends and family. Host a drive to collect warm holiday clothing for adults, or invite your friends who are parents of young children to donate old toys and out-grown clothing items and kid gear, such as car seats, play pens and baby carriers.

Do What You Love

Create your own film festival – the best movies of the year, those slated for Oscar nominations, are usually released toward the end of the year, and most large movie theaters stay open on holiday days.

Attend a church service, especially if the church goes out of its way to celebrate with choral music or activities focused on children in the congregation.

Treat yourself! Curl up with that good book you haven’t had time to read. Find a local restaurant that is open on the holiday, and take yourself out for a holiday meal. Hint: restaurants in large hotels are open every day of the year and may even offer a special holiday meal.

If you enjoy entertaining, play host to friends or coworkers who are spending their holiday solo. Organize a pot luck supper and a gift exchange.

Be Responsible for Your Feelings

Being “lonely” and being “alone” are two very different things. Often our self-pity buttons get pressed simply because we have unrealistic expectations or because we make up that everyone else is having a great time and then make comparisons.

Keep in mind that loneliness is very often a pattern of feeling states set up early in childhood. In spite of how it may seem, feeling lonely is not necessarily the result of simply being alone. While circumstances can be triggering, where we go emotionally once we’re triggered is definitely a choice. When self-pity beckons, recognize that feeling blue is a pattern that can often be altered by taking responsibility and breaking the behavior patterns that lead to that state. Once you own that your feelings are self-generated, it’s much easier feel empowered to do something to counteract them.

Whatever you do, don’t wait until the day is upon you.

Instead, have a plan!

A Trio of Sanity Checks for the Holidays

December 14, 2013 By Jennie Marlow Leave a Comment

The emotional pressures that come with the holidays can really set us up for big disappointments and trying interactions. Here are some mindset shifts that can help keep you grounded under pressure.

Everything Will Not Necessarily Be Fine

If you tend to fantasize that “everything will be fine this time” when the reality rarely meets expectations, you are probably setting yourself up. The trouble is, emotional patterns are very stubborn, and the feeling states of childhood are usually right below the surface, waiting to recreate themselves when you’re triggered. These out-of-power feeling states are often created by the neurochemistry of your memories, so unless you make an effort to build new experiences with different feeling states associated with them, all you wind up doing is reinforcing your old emotional structures.

To counteract your pattern, try to have no expectations of how it will be, and just see what actually happens. This is really about presence, being in the now moment, non-resistant to what you actually find there. Presence is, in part, a function of your attention and what you focus it on. So, resist the temptation to talk yourself into anything you have to sugar-coat in order to make palatable.

Hold That Thought!

If you are triggered, wait until your emotions settle down before saying or doing anything. If you’re being pressured to speak when you’re upset, reply with something like, “I need time to consider this, so let me get back to you.”

If you’re in a full-blown reaction, sleep on it before deciding what to do. If you’re still feeling triggered in the morning, wait as long as it takes until your emotional neutrality returns. Don’t think for a minute that making any decision while you’re emotional is better than waiting for the clarity that naturally comes when you wait. Keep in mind that big emotional waves usually take about 3 days to conclude.

Do You Really Need to “Talk About It”?

The worst time to express yourself is when you’re reacting. When you’re triggered, there is only one thing to do: keep your lip zipped and wait until you calm down before talking about whatever it is. If you don’t wait until you’re settled down, what you will be expressing is your emotional reaction which is rarely, if ever, constructive.

Keep in mind that describing your initial reaction has nothing to do with expressing your true feelings. If you believe it’s healthy to “get it out” by verbally purging your distress and tension, you might want to reconsider. The irony is you cannot be in touch with your feelings until you are no longer reacting. In fact, restraining your communication until you are calm is one of the most important steps you can take to ensure that your words won’t do more harm than good. Waiting until you are calm helps to ensure that your interactions with others are in power and that the impact of your communication will be constructive. And that might take a couple of days!

5 Holiday Gifts of Self-Respect & Self-Restraint

December 7, 2013 By Jennie Marlow Leave a Comment

The holidays can pull us in all directions and pressure us to do things that aren’t self-valuing. Here are 5 gifts you can give yourself when you’re feeling torn,

1. Respect your material resources. If you don’t have the resources, look for practical ways to make them available. If the universe does not back your plan, respect its answer.

2. Respect your energy. Devote it to things that value and nurture YOU. Keep a watchful eye on your time and energy when you are tempted to over-function. Bear in mind that fatigue can undermine your capacity to think clearly about what is in your best interest.

3. Restrain your reactivity. Know your pattern of expectations and pessimism, and develop a healthy degree of suspicion when your feeling state is replicating the old familiar, out-of-power pattern.

4. Restrain your thoughts. Don’t go down the “rabbit hole” of your fears, attachments, reactions, disappointments, etc. Stay here! Stay present! Pain is a part of life. However, suffering as you wander ceaselessly through the maze of the mind is a choice.

5. Restrain your urge to speculate about what the future will hold. Recognize that unintended consequences may result from your choices and that, more often than not, these unintended consequences are actually nothing to worry about.

The bottom line is, “Put your own oxygen mask on first, before helping others.” Be your own best friend during the holidays, and take really good care of yourself. If you do, chances are you’ll avoid the pitfalls and have little to regret later on.

Can Family Dynamics Be Changed?

December 1, 2013 By Jennie Marlow Leave a Comment

With Thanksgiving just past, Hanukkah in progress and Christmas right around the corner, chances are good that family issues may be disturbing your peace.

One question that gets put to me pretty frequently during holiday season is this: “I want more than anything to change our family dynamic, but no matter what I try it never works. What am I doing wrong?”

Let’s face it. Someone you’ve known most of your life, who also played a role in your early childhood conditioning, is bound to have a “special effect” on your psyche. The patterns you’ve established with your earliest relationships have the longest standing patterns, a high degree of emotional charge and are often the most resistant to your efforts to change them.

Does this mean that trying to shift the dynamic is an exercise in futility? No, but you need to be realistic about what can be achieved.

Family dynamics tap into powerful unconscious forces. This means your efforts to shift the energy of the dynamic may not be appreciated by others involved. When you alter your behavior, you might come under pressure by other parties in the dynamic to maintain your old role and thereby remain in everyone’s “comfort zone.”

Also, keep in mind that family dynamics have a peculiar ability to tap into our Stone Age brain’s fight-or-flight response. When this happens, avoiding the conflict or fighting about whatever it is may seem to be your only two choices. The truth is there are a multitude of other alternatives that are probably not obvious to you when you’re acting out your old role.

The point is you can’t change the dynamic unless and until you change your own role in it. That said, if you’re determined to change, you’d be wise to keep it simple. Set your intention to change just one thing you feel you could do consistently, even under pressure.

One vital shift you could make right now is to recognize that your objective is not to change the other person’s behavior. It’s to change your own behavior and to interact with greater consciousness. While the other person’s behavior may not change, shifting your role consistently and without judgment of the other person can have a profound impact on your self-esteem and sense of well-being. These alone make even small changes in your role a worthwhile endeavor.