Jennie Marlow

Coaching for intelligent, aware people who want to live deeply fulfilling lives

Can You Be Authentic Without Hurting Others?

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Hurt_FeelingsIf I had a penny for all the times I’ve been asked this question, I’d be sitting on a mountain of coins.

I was rather vigorously conditioned by my mother to please anyone and everyone, never hurt a feeling, never be a problem or disappoint anyone’s expectations of me. Most of all, never ever tell the truth if the other person might take offense. This worked about as well for me as it did (and still does) for her. In other words, it didn’t work for me at all, but that didn’t stop me from trying.

As I matured, I started to ask a deeper question. “What is intrinsically wrong with allowing others to simply have their uncomfortable feelings?” This more relevant inquiry began the day I realized my world had become like  a prison cell, one I entered voluntarily when I appointed myself controller of everyone else’s feelings. From the relative safety of my cell, I imposed the following rules:

  • No one could feel anything unpleasant because it made me uncomfortable.
  • No one should experience life’s ups and downs because I couldn’t handle it.
  • No one ought to be mad, sad, disappointed or down in any way because my emotional security felt threatened when they did.

If you think sparing others pain by sacrificing your authenticity is preferable, I’d like you to reconsider. The truth is — it’s not really about sparing them. It’s actually about you and your own unwillingness to be present with emotional discomfort.

On rare occasions, usually at major turning points in your life, you may find the survival of a relationship is honestly threatened by your authenticity. Here you will arrive at a crucial juncture. Do you cave in to keep the peace, or do you risk loss by being authentic?

There will certainly be circumstances wherein something you authentically do or say sets off a chain reaction of bad feelings in others. You might even be rebuked or ejected from the “tribe.” Or you might have to leave them to be true to yourself, to shed their drama and to spare yourself the toxic effects of their requirement that you be something you are not in order to remain included.

No matter what happens, I hope you hold fast to your truth. It’s your only real potential for a fulfilling life. Whether or not the reactions of others are extreme (or you are making them so in your own imagination), you have a choice. Grow into a person who can live your authentic life, or shrink your world into an untenably restricted space where you must become a creature of artifice in order to cope.

So, can you be authentic without hurting others? Well, the short answer is you can’t be authentic and please everyone. The more meaningful answer is this: you can’t make life pain-free, but you can make life fulfilling if you empower your authenticity and live from your truth.

Ditch Those New Year’s Resolutions ̶ This Is More Effective

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Willpower Okay, I’ll just say it. Creating transformation can be a real nuisance. We’ve been conditioned to believe that a clear picture of the outcome is the main thing required to make change happen. In fact, a clear picture of the outcome can actually misguide our actions and produce results that do not satisfy our deeper desires and intentions. Here is some food for thought on what transformational change is really about, how to maintain momentum, and how to make big changes stick for good.

What is your purpose for making the change?

Purpose gives our goals meaning beyond the superficial results of this or that outcome. Purpose isn’t the goal itself. It’s the change in our experience we hope achieving the goal will produce. We want to transform something to make life better, easier and more joyful. Purpose helps us focus on the long-term benefits our investment will return to us if we go all the way through the transformation process.

What is your true motivation?

Our Stone Age brain loves the pleasure of envisioning the result, but it doesn’t easily take into account the hard work that makes the result happen. This means the brain will tend default to what it misinterprets as disappointed expectations when change takes a lot of hard work over a long period of time, without immediate rewards. On the other hand, clarity about our true motivation translates directly into the energy we need to keep going when rewards for our efforts aren’t instantaneous.

What will you do when tempted?

In her groundbreaking book, The Willpower Instinct, Stanford University brain researcher, Kelly McGonigal offers us extraordinary insight into what helps us stick with it when we’re trying to make big changes. She points out that change happens as a result of “I want” power, “I will” power and “I won’t” power, that is, deciding in advance how you will deal with inevitable temptation. It has been my experience that the power of “I want” is dramatically increased when purpose is driving our desire for change; the power of “I will” gets a lot more fuel if our motivation is conscious and authentic, rather than driven by fear or fantasy. Both of these give a firm, supportive structure to reinforce the power of “I won’t” when we need it most.

Create supportive habits

Let’s face it. Habits are a large part of what got you the undesired result you’re now trying to transform. To create a transformation and make it stick requires building a set of new foundational habits that support our purpose, strengthen our motivation and help us stay on track when we’re tempted. Creating a new habit is like exercising a muscle. Exercising willpower in small ways through new habits definitely strengthens our self-discipline, giving us increased commitment when we need it for the bigger, longer-term changes that a true transformational shift demands.

Can Family Dynamics Be Changed?

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Can_Family_Dynamics_be_ChangedWith Thanksgiving just past, Hanukkah in progress and Christmas right around the corner, chances are good that family issues may be disturbing your peace.

One question that gets put to me pretty frequently during holiday season is this: “I want more than anything to change our family dynamic, but no matter what I try it never works. What am I doing wrong?”

Let’s face it. Someone you’ve known most of your life, who also played a role in your early childhood conditioning, is bound to have a “special effect” on your psyche. The patterns you’ve established with your earliest relationships have the longest standing patterns, a high degree of emotional charge and are often the most resistant to your efforts to change them.

Does this mean that trying to shift the dynamic is an exercise in futility? No, but you need to be realistic about what can be achieved.

Family dynamics tap into powerful unconscious forces. This means your efforts to shift the energy of the dynamic may not be appreciated by others involved. When you alter your behavior, you might come under pressure by other parties in the dynamic to maintain your old role and thereby remain in everyone’s “comfort zone.”

Also, keep in mind that family dynamics have a peculiar ability to tap into our Stone Age brain’s fight-or-flight response. When this happens, avoiding the conflict or fighting about whatever it is may seem to be your only two choices. The truth is there are a multitude of other alternatives that are probably not obvious to you when you’re acting out your old role.

The point is you can’t change the dynamic unless and until you change your own role in it. That said, if you’re determined to change, you’d be wise to keep it simple. Set your intention to change just one thing you feel you could do consistently, even under pressure.

One vital shift you could make right now is to recognize that your objective is not to change the other person’s behavior. It’s to change your own behavior and to interact with greater consciousness. While the other person’s behavior may not change, shifting your role consistently and without judgment of the other person can have a profound impact on your self-esteem and sense of well-being. These alone make even small changes in your role a worthwhile endeavor.