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Inspiration from an Outcast Ancestor

February 8, 2014 By Jennie Marlow Leave a Comment

Pistol-Packin-MamaExtraordinary people come in very unexpected packages, and my Great Aunt May was no exception. She was the notorious black sheep of the family, known for cussing, smoking cigarettes, drinking whiskey and living down by the railroad tracks that ran through the small Midwestern mining town of Madrid, Iowa.

A photographer who was passing through on his way to Des Moines once approached her to model for a poster for the soon-to-be hit song, “Pistol Packin’ Mama” by Bing Crosby and the Andrews Sisters. We’re told she gave him a face-full and threw him out of the restaurant where she worked as a waitress.

I never knew my Aunt May. What I know of her comes from the stories my mother’s family handed down. I have always found it so intriguing that, even though the ones who tell the story are very attached to their own conventionality, her name is always spoken with a kind of grudging respect, verging on awe.

May Sullivan was sassy, funny and had an explosive temper that would rain hell-fire on anyone who crossed her. According to the family mythology, she didn’t give a “Tinker’s damn” (as my grandmother used to say) about what people thought of her.

I always wondered if that were really true. It’s not rocket science to figure out what it cost her to rebel against small-town, religious and social norms. And while the stories are hilarious, there is something so painful about the unspoken truth, that her rebellion against society was purchased, in large measure, with alcohol.

Still, I love to hear the stories. About the photographer. About the way she gave everyone hell. About how much the children in the family loved her and looked up to her (while their parents couldn’t help themselves but look down on her). She had little dignity, but she had fire and that rare quality of courage that allows one to break the human contract to live in fear of judgment of the tribe. Even though I never knew her, there is something about her I truly miss.

I miss her when I feel I’ve been too frank. I miss her when I feel I am just too damned unorthodox for some people’s taste. I miss her when I swear haphazardly and offend. I miss her when I wish I didn’t give a damn what other people think of me, when in fact, I do. I even miss her when I’ve had one too many glasses of wine and wish I’d had more discipline. And I just miss her willingness to live her life, flying in the face of society’s rules and expectations. These qualities will live on in my borrowed memories of her as inspiration to not take life so seriously and to enjoy a life lived outside what is normal and seemly.

 

This post was originally published in 2010.

Filed Under: Life Tagged With: Authenticity, Fear, Freedom

Can You Be Authentic Without Hurting Others?

January 19, 2014 By Jennie Marlow Leave a Comment

Hurt_FeelingsIf I had a penny for all the times I’ve been asked this question, I’d be sitting on a mountain of coins.

I was rather vigorously conditioned by my mother to please anyone and everyone, never hurt a feeling, never be a problem or disappoint anyone’s expectations of me. Most of all, never ever tell the truth if the other person might take offense. This worked about as well for me as it did (and still does) for her. In other words, it didn’t work for me at all, but that didn’t stop me from trying.

As I matured, I started to ask a deeper question. “What is intrinsically wrong with allowing others to simply have their uncomfortable feelings?” This more relevant inquiry began the day I realized my world had become like  a prison cell, one I entered voluntarily when I appointed myself controller of everyone else’s feelings. From the relative safety of my cell, I imposed the following rules:

  • No one could feel anything unpleasant because it made me uncomfortable.
  • No one should experience life’s ups and downs because I couldn’t handle it.
  • No one ought to be mad, sad, disappointed or down in any way because my emotional security felt threatened when they did.

If you think sparing others pain by sacrificing your authenticity is preferable, I’d like you to reconsider. The truth is — it’s not really about sparing them. It’s actually about you and your own unwillingness to be present with emotional discomfort.

On rare occasions, usually at major turning points in your life, you may find the survival of a relationship is honestly threatened by your authenticity. Here you will arrive at a crucial juncture. Do you cave in to keep the peace, or do you risk loss by being authentic?

There will certainly be circumstances wherein something you authentically do or say sets off a chain reaction of bad feelings in others. You might even be rebuked or ejected from the “tribe.” Or you might have to leave them to be true to yourself, to shed their drama and to spare yourself the toxic effects of their requirement that you be something you are not in order to remain included.

No matter what happens, I hope you hold fast to your truth. It’s your only real potential for a fulfilling life. Whether or not the reactions of others are extreme (or you are making them so in your own imagination), you have a choice. Grow into a person who can live your authentic life, or shrink your world into an untenably restricted space where you must become a creature of artifice in order to cope.

So, can you be authentic without hurting others? Well, the short answer is you can’t be authentic and please everyone. The more meaningful answer is this: you can’t make life pain-free, but you can make life fulfilling if you empower your authenticity and live from your truth.

Filed Under: Healing, Life, Love Tagged With: Authenticity, Conditioning, Freedom, Relationships, Self-sacrifice

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